Buying guides for things nobody explains properly.
Independent guides to sexual wellness products. We read the specs, the materials and the reviews, and tell you what will annoy you in three months.
The product library
276 products from 8 manufacturers, with the numbers their own pages publish: size, weight, material, battery, and the share of reviews that land at two stars or below.
Flagship and most reviewed
A starting point, not a ranking.
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Satisfyer · Pressure waves plus vibration, app control, USB-C charging£75.95No reviews yetPressure wavesVibrationIPX7
Start with these
Four guides most people read first. Each one is written around a single decision.
What you actually need first
Most first purchases fail for reasons that have nothing to do with the device. The order people buy things in is backwards, and the three items that decide whether it gets used again cost less than the device does.
How to read a product listing
A listing is written for two audiences at once: the people who will check, and the people who will not. Once you can tell the two halves apart, most of the marketing stops working on you.
Why it stopped charging
Rechargeable toys rarely fail at the motor. They fail at the charging port, and there are only three reasons it happens. Two of them are worth trying to fix.
How quiet is quiet
Every listing claims to be quiet and almost none of them publish a number. When they do, it is measured at a metre in a still room on the lowest setting — three conditions that are all wrong for how you will actually use it.
Head-to-head comparisons
Two or three products from the library, measured against each other on the numbers their makers publish.
Rocks-Off's cheapest bullet and its £11.99 one are the same object
Same 82mm length, same 15mm width, same 24g, same N-Size battery. The one that differs costs £19.99 and is 8mm longer.
Eleven Revos, and the £90 between them does not change the shape
Insertable length runs 85mm to 100mm across the whole family. Four of the eleven are identical at 95mm by 34mm and cost between £60 and £150.
Svakom's newer CICI quotes less than half the runtime of the old one
The battery went from 220mAh to 320mAh, the price roughly doubled, and the play time on the sheet went from five hours to two.